like if someone fucked a dictionary but instead of having a penis, it was just one of those leap frog educational toys
I hope to god you are high
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Just pee around me
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
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