I wish I could teleport
Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
i woke up between my boyfriend and his sister and i don't know if we fucked or cried together
Randomize
