I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Some older looking guy gave me his card as he exited the train. Hes a pharmaceutical rep. I'm debating asking him for a job. Obv he wants sex but if I can get a job out of this maybe I can offer him more than a cheap dry handjob bc that's all I'm really up for these days
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
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