i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
You're breaking my sexual little heart
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
