i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
woke up to find a pram in the balcony. first thing we did was look over the edge!
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
Can't talk, I'm icing "sorry I barfed on your couch" onto a cookie cake
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize