i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
I pour the whiskey from now on
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
