For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
I'll always remember 2012 as the year I hooked up with countless girls who had the sides of their heads shaved.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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