the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
That doesn't help it make any more sense. Because now you've brought pinata condoms into this.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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