Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
im having a threesome with these popsicles
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
and now there are teeth marks on my dick.
There is no way that a naked man in your kitchen can be explained-away as a "misunderstanding."
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
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