So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"
Perfectly normal.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
We left his house because I forgot how to drink water, I was just holding it in my mouth and then spitting it out, needless to say I don't remember the sex.
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
Randomize
