On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.
is she serious with that outfit? Why doesnt she just paste a for sale sign on her boobs?
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I get off at the next exit which doesn't have a shoulder, a guy is riding my ass so I cant stop. I think I got as much puke on his car as on mine.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Randomize
