i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
And then out of the blue she sent me a youtube video mashup of cats puking to techno music
2 more and I will have fucked 75 percent of my acting class. best. elective. ever.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
