definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You seemed more interested in the queso dip than you were in the hand job
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
You fucked him, didn’t you?
He showed up at my house with tacos, rum and a negative Covid test. Of course I fucked him. I’m just a simple girl that likes tacos, not Margaret Thatcher!
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