dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
I guess, just don't make it awkward
MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
His front door was open but I INSISTED on army crawling FOOT FIRST under the garage door. Then I peed the bed.
I can't believe there are people our age getting engaged and I can't even find a solid coke dealer.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Randomize
