conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
i would totally change schools right now just to be that new girl everyone wants
She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.
oh yea it is. i was not expecting to look at a snowbank and just see flying mushrooms
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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