im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Her dress is practically falling off. It must know I'm here.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
