he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
it's ok. you also told me I can feel free to vomit on your blow dryer sometime.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I just forgot I was standing up.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
Randomize