My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??
i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I called for backup and had two guys carry him to the shower. The bigger guy offered to wash his hair.
Just pissed by glowstick light. Bad idea.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
