dude why did you let me call her?!
i told you it was a bad idea and to quote you exactly, you said "no, it's a good idea..that's what people do when they love each other." you met her 15 minutes prior to that conversation...
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
Randomize
