They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Someone shit on the floor
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
He threw a twenty at the stripper and asked for change
well did he get it
....yes
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
Randomize
