dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Don't make fun of the drunk girl eating bread out of her pockets. I've been that girl.
I need a burrito and a hug.
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
Randomize
