My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
Yup. Dog walker, house sitter and mistress to the rich, bored and bi-curious. I've got a nice little operation running.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He was like the most intimidating looking guy you've seen in your life except he was really shittily doing the two step
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Do not ever chug tabasco sauce.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
