i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl
Its not like i paid for sex. She was stuck there, we simply exchanged rides.
For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is
His chest is so hairy i want to pet it with my nipples.
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Randomize
