I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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