hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
how do you spell 'special'? like slow?
S P E L L C H E C K
No you dumbass thats not right
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
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