you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
I'm sorry. We set two Christmas trees on fire. Also the neighbor's yard. Also ours.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
You sternly pointed at him and declared that you would ride his cock until the early dawn.
Then, you ate a turkey sub, went into his room
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He wants Portugal to lose so badly he threw out all the sangria. You know how depressing it is to watch someone dump 4 gallons of heaven?
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
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