Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Recliner chair sex has moments of worry....just don't.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
