Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We have been dating for 5 months. I'm friends with his sister. Yet my number in his phone is still saved as "hot bartender"
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
