Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.
Who won?
All of them.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
only you would photoshop your dick
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
He showed up 3 hours late wearing roller skates and acted like nothing was wrong with that.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
I didnt think the feeling of accomplishment for fucking brothers would be this great.
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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