The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I bet they all look and smell like Amy Winehouse
he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
