Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
Church boner. Awkwardddd
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
