the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.
Omg. One night stands are not supposed to show up to your swim class the morning after. Worst lesson ever.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
It's like the cookie assaulted me with being high.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Randomize
