in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
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