The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
her moans were so awkward that i kept asking "what" when she'd say my name...
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I was looking up travel destinations and somehow I ended up reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians. I need to start going to church high...
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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