it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
