Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Well i then put my mattress in my closet and am currently on it. This is a new one.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
You're tall, so I have high hopes for your dick.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
