My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
you guys have a strange definition of the word fun. I would have said dangerous, terrifying, or life-threatening. of course, bowling can now be described the same way.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
