woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
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