I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I'd say things got weird when I started doing lines of molly in the box.
The family next to you was not pleased
Know your penis has been the topic of conversation over glasses of wine.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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