Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
we got cupcakes after we fucked. gives a whole new meaning to sugar daddy
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
