Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
