I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
he was humming party in the usa while we were having sex.
Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
I don't think I can handle being a slut. There is a lot more emotional stress that I never realized.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
This baby is an asshole
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Randomize
