He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
and thats when we got a drunken mammogram in the middle of cvs pharmacy
No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
Drinking and pointing where stuff needs to go is hard stuff.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
There's a ton of international students in my suite and I'm just sitting in this chair with no pants on eating frosted flakes
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I'm telling you, this vagina is really making the rounds lately...
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