since when did accompanying a guy to a wedding mean that anal was required that night?
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
Randomize
