Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
Found her laying down in a booth in iHop. She's a keeper.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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