Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
im in an endless cycle of being too hung over to eat all day...then getting too drunk because i didnt eat anything. where is my life going?
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
hes fine. but he did fall asleep while tebowing and started snoring
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
Randomize