We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
I guess I'm in a committed relationship. We just had shot 1 of 3 of Gardasil. I'm now dead inside.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
Randomize
