I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
I hope you never procreate. Philly is already the ugliest city in the country.
Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?
Good morning to you
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
