textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i paused nhl 10 while i jerked off and it was like a crowd was cheering me on
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Where are you guys?
Drunk
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
