I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
My social work teacher just told our class about her bicurios adventures in college
is she hot?
She is now
she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
Randomize
