I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
You lifted he top layer off his birthday cake and made it say 'eat me' in the cookie monster voice so yeah he knew.
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Randomize
