I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
There is naked swordfighting and something green and alcoholic going on in the basement. COME. OVER. NOW.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Mom, I'm really sorry you saw my naked ex-boyfriend in the living room this morning. I can explain....but I'd rather just stick with this apology and be done with it
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
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