i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
I should not be allowed to reproduce. The world doesn't need my sarcastic asshole demon spawn in child form
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
ok so you're 100% sure this time that he isn't your ex in disguise again?
Randomize
