I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter
there not mine if that helps
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
I woke up completely naked in a mint condition 71 chevelle in someones garage. What.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
