When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
More importantly this is sex weather and i am striking out
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize
