i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
HE STARTED HUMMING THE THEME TO STAR WARS!! WHILE I'M SUCKING HIS DICK!!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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