she says her boyfriend and her dignity are both out of town tonight
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
Did I show you my penis last night?
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
I'm always down for nudity.
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
Randomize
