I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
I'm not sure which is worse. The fact that I slept with him last night, or the fact that you did too.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I feel like a Europe failure cause I'm coming home from the club at 3:30 and so many people are just arriving... Wtf? 3:30am People! Drink earlier!
It's a Tuesday.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Randomize
