4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Well you got kicked off a stripper pole. They said girls only.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
