Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...
we made out on top of his cat.
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
I took it upon myself to take one shot of tequila to have an excuse for hitting on my not-single coworker. It worked.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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