Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
I have no idea, but there's a bus parked in front of my house and like 6 texts saying im gonna prove my love. this is either really really awesome or really really bad.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Woke up backwards on a recliner
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
