Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I'm torn. Shes everything I ever wanted, but I just cant get past the story about having drunken sex with her dog in high school.
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
