Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
Randomize
