It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Where's the chopping off someone's balls emoji
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
Randomize
